Look, what I’m about to say probably serves no purpose whatsoever, and had I said it when I was a kid, I probably would have been grounded for a week. Scratch that: I definitely would have been grounded for at least a week, if not longer. But there are just days, you know? Days when no other words suffice to express the depth of…whatever…anger, despair, frustration, apathy. You name it; you said it.

By saying this, I’m also placing a huge red letter on the breast of my button-down. I’m becoming one of those people, the ones who don’t know that polite conversation is more important than honest expression, or who never read the Ten Commandments and insist on taking certain names in vain. To which latter I would simply remark (with the open sarcasm I both learned from and was punished for by my father) that I don’t recall this particular word being listed among the biblical names of God.

Finally (and in conclusion), to those who claim that the use of “such language” indicates a poor grasp of vocabulary: Keep reading–this is meant for you, too. Also, don’t be stupid. I (along with many of my fellow “expletists”) have a very strong relationship with words: writers of thesauri are kindred spirits of mine, and the prosaic, pedestrian, and pedantic tries my patience as well as yours, so please be so kind as to exit, stage left.

And, without further ado: